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YES, I HAVE UNTANGLED MY MESS

Thankfully, the plans I made a mess of are now fixed! My uncle has now offered that I can just stay at his from friday anyway, just on my own until they get back on tuesday! This means now I am staying over at my mums tomorrow night so we can get sorted to go off early friday morning and spend the day in which I have now said I owe it to her to go to the British museum ahah. Also GREAT for me that I now save on train fares as my uncle will drive me back the saturday after next as he and my auntie want to go see my family here so they’ll drop me off home so result! I think I may just basically stock up from pret to suffice myself while I am on my own at my uncles, the only challenge will be not getting myself lost negotiating tubes oh dear..Can’t be too difficult though!

Anonymous asked: I'm sorry if I don't get anything but are you in recovery? I mean don't you realise you NEED to gain to get healthy again? Sorry but are you serious about maintaining with such a thin and pinched body? I'm NOT MEANING anything mean I rather worry about you because serious you're such a wonderful, beautiful little woman HAVING HER WHOLE LIFE BEFORE YOU. You won't have children, you won't ever be HAPPY if you carry on like this. Your ED is telling you it's ok to mainain. But you'LL LOSE LIFE LOVE

I don’t know, I live, I don’t think much about anything which includes recovery. I simply have my goals to get me through each day as exams and getting back to my mum. Any anxiety I feel around food/ those thoughts/weighing simply fit around me getting by.
I have not been controlling my weight for around 5 months now and have managed to loose what is probably a lot of weight, yet I would say I am in such a different place to ‘loosing weight’ in any ED way that I have before?
My ED is not telling me it’s okay to maintain actually as I DID maintain for a week about 2/3 weeks ago if you scroll back through my posts and I felt very uncomfortable, not with the numbers as they really just feel numb to me now, but with myself contentment stomach wise I dont really know but it was not ‘okay’ for me. I am wanting to maintain purely because when I have lost this much from not controlling/counting etc the idea of how I would ever go about gaining weight while still doing that is pretty near impossible for me evidently in this moment of time, therefore if I can simply know I just need a BIT more to maintain that is much more manageable. I am doing that for my mother purely, I cannot keep loosing weight however much easier it actually is because I cannot risk my physical health being a factor people could hold against me when I plan to move back to my mum, I need NO legal reasons for them to stop me which as long as I keep my weight here and stable till then I should be okay. 
Using woman is hard for me, which is why that nor the children aspect have much impact on my thoughts im afraid as that is a big fear for me i think, actually in hearing that it makes the ED a bit stronger..:(

Morning morning puffed wheat with a chopped apple and more strawberry underneath,almondy milk and more fruit and cinnamon on top

Morning morning puffed wheat with a chopped apple and more strawberry underneath,almondy milk and more fruit and cinnamon on top

Anonymous asked: Okay so this probably sounds ridiculous but I just re found your account and last time I was following you you'd just overdosed and were almost at a healthy weight (this was literally ages ago sorry) and I was wondering what had happened since then? I have no idea how I lost your account for so long but yeah x

Oh wow ok prepare for a LONG update then as yes that was so long ago!

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Have i actually just done this to my hair hahaha Can you see the sea of paper and notes surrounding meI am sitting in a sea of notes

Have i actually just done this to my hair hahaha 
Can you see the sea of paper and notes surrounding me
I am sitting in a sea of notes

I hate cooking meals for myself because I rush round the kitchen trying to be fast but I’m really so slow so I get frustrated and especially when people try talk to me while I’m doing it so I probably sound so rude urghhh. But threw this together and have got some for a cold salad tomorrow/Thursday so brown rice,broccoli,broad beans,mushrooms,cucumber and black pepper chickpeas pan fried with loads of spinach underneath yeahh feel crap urgh hate meals too much urgh oh and I got up to my room had a fork realised I forgot black pepper on it all so literally ran down grabbed a last but of broccoli and the pepper and smothered it all how I have it

I hate cooking meals for myself because I rush round the kitchen trying to be fast but I’m really so slow so I get frustrated and especially when people try talk to me while I’m doing it so I probably sound so rude urghhh. But threw this together and have got some for a cold salad tomorrow/Thursday so brown rice,broccoli,broad beans,mushrooms,cucumber and black pepper chickpeas pan fried with loads of spinach underneath yeahh feel crap urgh hate meals too much urgh

oh and I got up to my room had a fork realised I forgot black pepper on it all so literally ran down grabbed a last but of broccoli and the pepper and smothered it all how I have it

peace-hugs-recovery:

Not weighing myself has been very confusing. In my most recent ‘slip’ I weighed myself every day. I haven’t done so in a few weeks now which is good but confusing. One minute I feel I’ve gained a lot, the next I feel I might have lost a little. My body is confusing me as I genuinely don’t know if what I’m eating is ‘right’ - too much/too little/ if I’m hungry/ sick.
This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense haha. Just letting some thoughts out.

oh gosh this is me EXACTLY ellen

Anonymous asked: ok but you are ridiculously thin, and thats not a fucking compliment. you're scary to look at and it's disordered that you WANT to carry on looking so emaciated. I get the whole "comfort" of it all, I'm stuck where I am too, but I know for a fact I don't look as thin as you.

I’m not scary to look at..I don’t LOOK like the bmi that I am in real life honestly!
I don’t ‘WANT to carry on looking so emaciated’ I have NEVER said that because firstly, I don’t see that I look emaciated AT ALL, secondly I’ve said I don’t care, it means nothing to me at the moment, the looks the numbers they mean nothing, yes gaining and seeing them go up is too hard but aside from that i have no intentions weight wise.
Saying you know for a fact you ‘dont look as thin as me’ really doesn’t help anyone, it makes you feel worse for what you are probably poorly judging anyway as heck i see myself bigger than 99.9999% of people, but also that makes it seem like a competition and is very much your ed BEING competitive because i know this is a very very cmpetitive illness but also it makes me feel bad as I am not trying to ‘win’ here nor am I achieving anything in you thinking I ‘look thinner’ than you. Im sorry you do feel that way.

~So I can’t go to London till next tuesday
~Mums going friday-sunday so now without me:(
~I therefore want to go to Birmingham (for the day) as something till London but:
             a)i’ll just be going by myself to wander so no different to going into town (except obv 10x more shops/places) because who wants to spend time with me seriously i have no friends and cant even go with family because no ones here 
              b)I don’t really have any money to do so as I shouldn’t be taking it off other people 
              c)again just alone, people will stare,judge, the disgusting loner who looks like a freak:(